MDD, Triggers and Family
Living with MDD has been a rollercoaster ride and an adventure in self-discovery. I’m learning what my boundaries are and how to maintain them for my well-being. I’m also learning that I have triggers, things that put me into a spiral of self-doubt, anger, and extreme reactions.
My eldest son and his girlfriend are pregnant. They’re having their first baby. I’ve been as excited as someone in a depressive episode can be for this baby. It’s hard to admit because I love my kids more than life itself. Their joy brings me joy. He’s so happy about this baby, but I’m not feeling the way that I normally would… if I were still normal.
Since this is a first baby, the kids are having a bunch of first-time parent fears come up. These fears are completely normal and understandable. We’re all scared the first time and I appreciate the position they’re in. That being said, fear is not a reason to be rude or unkind to the people you love and who are your biggest supporters.
Last week, his girlfriend asked/told, not sure which, my son to let me know that if I were going to come and stay with them after the baby was born, I would need to be vaccinated with the Tdap. There is this school of thought that cocooning your infant can protect them from whooping cough. I can see the logic in this, but I also believe this is a form of protection that is unnecessary, but my beliefs aren’t relevant. First, let me state that I am vaccinated. I got the shot for a cut I received a few years ago that required stitches. If you’re unaware, Tdap is for Tetanus, Pertussis, and Diphtheria. Tetanus is quite prevalent in the area of the world I live in. Do you know what isn’t prevalent though? That’s right, pertussis. In the last 9 years that have been tracked, there has been one breakout of pertussis in our county, and I remember it. I remember it because as a mom who selectively vaccinates her children, I HAVE to be aware of these things. All other years- 0, ZERO cases. All of these facts are beside the point. They mean nothing. They especially mean nothing to kids who are having their first baby and are scared of everything.
What you’re about to read, I need to make clear, I in no way hold my son’s girlfriend accountable for. It was MY SON who said this. She was not a party to it.
It was a Monday afternoon. The text I received read, “Get yo Tdap bih or else you cant see mah baby.” Now, if you don’t know this already if you want to talk to someone about something important you should probably take it seriously enough to spell all the words correctly, use good punctuation and not allude to the fact that you are calling someone a bitch. You especially shouldn’t be calling anyone a bitch if you’re making a request of someone.
I am sure you can imagine my response. Well, if you can’t, it wasn’t pretty, and to be honest, it was rather violent. Now that I’ve had some time to process the whole event, I can see this triggered me. First, I responded with the fact that I had it, second, I said that was an ugly way to try to force shit on me. Then, I went on to say some more ugly shit. This is so not me. I am very calm and level-headed, but this triggered me in a way that I couldn’t foresee.
This saga is in no way over but I’ve focused hard on trying to figure out exactly why I was so triggered. It’s the only part of this I have any control over. My son knows I’ve been very intentional with my approach to vaccines. I vaccinate, but I vaccinate based on trends in my community. I’m vaccinated for Covid, so this isn’t a case of being anti-vax. It’s taken a week of a lot of ups and downs to break it all down for myself. It boils down to the complete and utter disrespect in the words used, in the fact that my choice to take a cautious approach to vaccines was disregarded, and the fact that my autonomy in all respects, is of vital importance to me. Understanding how important my autonomy is has taken a lot of time. It has created new boundaries for me that when crossed clearly causes a lot of issues. The wound behind that boundary is being tended to still, so it’s expected that there will be reactions when that boundary is pushed or trespassed on.
Lastly, and here is where things get really ugly, I believe that when a new parent says to their family that “if you don’t do X then you won’t be able to see the baby”, is emotional blackmail. Certainly, it’s within every parents’ rights to do so, but it doesn’t make it right.
If you want to have this conversation with your family, the first thing you should ask is, when the last time they had their Tdap vaccine updated. Guess what, you will be able to save the entire conversation with a lot of your family members with just that one question. If it hasn’t been updated in the last 5 to 10 years, then you can go on to explain cocooning and how it will help ease your mind if you know that extended family members who plan on spending any time with the baby are updated on this particular vaccine. I certainly know that had I been spoken to like that, had I been given that respect, I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did.
I know some of you might be wondering what this has to do with my MDD. You might be thinking that anyone might feel the way I do, given the manner I was spoken to, or maybe you don’t. I won’t assume anything here. The truth is, I’m just as concerned with what I’ve learned about myself as I am with the issue that triggered it. I’m still very angry and hurt but it’s my job to figure myself out.
And that is what MDD looks like, and it’s also what someone who is trying their damnedest to heal their MDD looks like.