1 minute to survive

Yesterday was a bad day... well shit, truth be told, today is a continuance of yesterday's bad day. The issue is, it's not even something that can be explained. There was no reason for it to be bad, it just was. I felt distrust and anger and I wanted to scream and throw a temper tantrum the likes of which I have never done before. Instead, I sat at my desk, mulling around inside my brain, planning my escape. Why do I always do that, why do I dress my suicidal ideation up in words like that? I digress.. on the inside I raged and on the outside I had tears that I would wipe away before anyone could see. When the phone would ring, I would collect myself and answer with as steady a voice as I could muster. Breathe in deep... exhale slow... "thank you for calling....". I would fake smile because it changes your voice and makes people believe you are put together and fine. I have gotten really good at faking a genuine smile, really good. 

Nearly halfway through the day I realized that I was feeling every minute of the day tick by and it hit me... so I wrote myself this note.

And somehow it got me through... until I couldn't sit at my desk anymore, I couldn't keep pretending. I went and asked if I could leave and disappeared as quickly as I was granted permission to do so. I made it as far as I could, 1 minute at a time. 

My plan for today is to do the same exact thing, because it's all I can do.