These last few months..
These last few months have not been my own. I still go to counseling regularly, mostly take my meds (they are becoming ineffective and so it's easy to forget). I am working on me, to the very best of my abilities and so far I have survived. But I almost didn't... I almost didn't survive the other day.
The last few months I have been trying to be happy where I am not. To be fulfilled in a relationship that does not fulfill me. I now have to make a choice between myself and my previous promises. I have been here before. I should have learned that if the work is only being done on one side it can not be fully done. Iwant need more. Surviving is not the goal, living is the goal and I have not been living. All my will to live is slowly being stripped from me. A little peice at a time. I no longer worry about the false promises that were made to me, I don't care. I don't blame. We all have our issues. The only thing I now need to care about is leaving behind the hope of promises fulfilled and make promises to myself.
JD and I have talked about how this will go down. It will be ugly. That's why I have avoided the work, I am exhausted. But 2 days ago I was ready to stop ceasing to exist. To stop hiding behind a smile that is a reflection of the worlds expectations for me. To forever quiet the storm that rages inside the life form that people recognize as Andrea. Honestly, that is the easy way out. I realize I have to face the world and do the hard thing.
I have to choose me.
You would think choosing me would be an easy decision. Well it's not. It means breaking promises, it means hurting someone I have spent a large portion of my life dedicated to. It means disappointing 1 or 2 of my children, maybe all 3. It means telling the world I actually failed. I AM A FAILURE.
If I were sitting here listening to someone confess these things to me, I would counter them all with affirmations to the contrary. I have actually done that exact thing many times before. But my expectations for myself are greater and I recognize now, not attainable. It is impossible to be all things to all people and still take care of yourself. I have been running myself ragged under the false assumption that I CAN do it all. I suppose I can do it all for a time, but when you are always filing buckets from the same well and there is nothing replenishing that well, it will eventually run dry. And when it gets close to dry or dries up, the work to refill and replenish is harder and takes a lot longer. What I need to do is start the work again. I had hoped that the load and work would have been shared and I was supported in this very arduous task but alas that is not the case for me. It is ok, but because it is not, I can no longer do it by myself while still feeding others. If I have to do it alone, then ALONE I have to do it.
Will I be judged? Yes. Will I be vilified? Yes. Will there be hurt and anger? Again, yes. Must it be done? YES, because the alternative is not an alternative, it is just a door closing with no other door opening.
I deserve another door, don't I?
The last few months I have been trying to be happy where I am not. To be fulfilled in a relationship that does not fulfill me. I now have to make a choice between myself and my previous promises. I have been here before. I should have learned that if the work is only being done on one side it can not be fully done. I
JD and I have talked about how this will go down. It will be ugly. That's why I have avoided the work, I am exhausted. But 2 days ago I was ready to stop ceasing to exist. To stop hiding behind a smile that is a reflection of the worlds expectations for me. To forever quiet the storm that rages inside the life form that people recognize as Andrea. Honestly, that is the easy way out. I realize I have to face the world and do the hard thing.
I have to choose me.
You would think choosing me would be an easy decision. Well it's not. It means breaking promises, it means hurting someone I have spent a large portion of my life dedicated to. It means disappointing 1 or 2 of my children, maybe all 3. It means telling the world I actually failed. I AM A FAILURE.
If I were sitting here listening to someone confess these things to me, I would counter them all with affirmations to the contrary. I have actually done that exact thing many times before. But my expectations for myself are greater and I recognize now, not attainable. It is impossible to be all things to all people and still take care of yourself. I have been running myself ragged under the false assumption that I CAN do it all. I suppose I can do it all for a time, but when you are always filing buckets from the same well and there is nothing replenishing that well, it will eventually run dry. And when it gets close to dry or dries up, the work to refill and replenish is harder and takes a lot longer. What I need to do is start the work again. I had hoped that the load and work would have been shared and I was supported in this very arduous task but alas that is not the case for me. It is ok, but because it is not, I can no longer do it by myself while still feeding others. If I have to do it alone, then ALONE I have to do it.
Will I be judged? Yes. Will I be vilified? Yes. Will there be hurt and anger? Again, yes. Must it be done? YES, because the alternative is not an alternative, it is just a door closing with no other door opening.
I deserve another door, don't I?