Today
Today is a sad day for me.
I am trying to reframe my brain so as not to feel sad, but I am. The good news (because I always have to see a good side to everything) is that I am sad and being sad is always better than not feeling anything at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I am truly being my authentic self to the world.
I was thinking how I have MDD and lately I am very tortured, like I just want to rip right out of my own skin but I still manage to smile at strangers. Is that a lie? I know I certainly don't care what strangers think of me; it is highly unlikely they will remember any brief encounter I have with them anyhow. When I was thinking about this though, I thought how for a brief millisecond I am actually happy when I share that smile. The more I smile the more the joy compounds throughout the day. It's better than being in constant pain. Those are seconds of reprieve I have from the constant onslaught of misfiring chemicals and disfunctional neuropathways.
I took the Hamilton Rating Scale today and even when I chose options just one step better than I actually feel, I still rated as severly depressed. How ugly is that? I struggle to find a way to spin that into something good. Does that mean my meds aren't working for me? What are my options for changing this brain of mine? How much would it cost to get the fMRI's that could pinpoint my depression biotype or subtype? What benefit would it be to know?
I am reading all the literature I can on the 4 subtypes and I am fairly certain I know which one I am but I cannot be 100% certain unless I have the fMRI. I could be atypical, or melancholic.
I JUST REALLY WANT TO KNOW! and yes that is me totally screaming.
I am trying to reframe my brain so as not to feel sad, but I am. The good news (because I always have to see a good side to everything) is that I am sad and being sad is always better than not feeling anything at all.
Sometimes I wonder if I am truly being my authentic self to the world.
I was thinking how I have MDD and lately I am very tortured, like I just want to rip right out of my own skin but I still manage to smile at strangers. Is that a lie? I know I certainly don't care what strangers think of me; it is highly unlikely they will remember any brief encounter I have with them anyhow. When I was thinking about this though, I thought how for a brief millisecond I am actually happy when I share that smile. The more I smile the more the joy compounds throughout the day. It's better than being in constant pain. Those are seconds of reprieve I have from the constant onslaught of misfiring chemicals and disfunctional neuropathways.
I took the Hamilton Rating Scale today and even when I chose options just one step better than I actually feel, I still rated as severly depressed. How ugly is that? I struggle to find a way to spin that into something good. Does that mean my meds aren't working for me? What are my options for changing this brain of mine? How much would it cost to get the fMRI's that could pinpoint my depression biotype or subtype? What benefit would it be to know?
I am reading all the literature I can on the 4 subtypes and I am fairly certain I know which one I am but I cannot be 100% certain unless I have the fMRI. I could be atypical, or melancholic.
I JUST REALLY WANT TO KNOW! and yes that is me totally screaming.